Adding to the new year's resolution for Year 2012; I will update something everyday on my blog. This probably means degrading the quality of what'd be written but wth.. they weren't any good to start with! Recently, I launched an endeavor to discover colleagues with Korean heritage on campus where I work and so far found three others. With two, I've managed to build relatively close relationship that we can chat about pretty much everything. But the last fellow was the touch one. He seemed quite distant or he wished to be seen that way when I approached. With one of those colleagues, I often go out for a short walk around the campus during lunch hours. Weather has been great last few days and very much enjoyed the lunch "power" walk with her. Listening to her career advice requests got me think things that might have been slipped from my fingers a while ago. I must've grown older. When being asked, I found myself leaning more towards being settled rather than being ventured out. It seems fitting to "present-me" better. Although, I can't deny there is still such strong urge to find "my thing" and being recognized in it. Really, otherwise what's left in life? I read Bible, resonating and meditating on those verses, but still there is a big hold in me that is not even half filled. What is it? Thirst.., that's what it is... Sometimes, I feel like I may end up breaking myself and leaving no one to remember I lived this world... Although, like my sister once said, I have so much to appreciate! That is also true. Feeling I need to clear my head around some of important things in life, I will take a short trip to the wilderness where no distraction exist during this Canada Day long weekend. A friend from San Francisco is joining me on this and we will most likely hit the road to Victoria and discover some hidden islands around.

Celebrating Summer

Our dinner table was filled with wild flowers blossomed with the air of the Fraser River, a green bottle of white wine fragranced from Okanagan Valley, and all unknown green vegetable locally grown and ripe perfectly for the hot pot we were planning. Not realized until our guests turned up, I quickly became aware three couples I invited were pastors and their wives. Felt startled by how I become so close to the church community over the past year or so, I had to admit I felt rather relieved to confirm my social circle has been formed around my faith. Dinner was wonderful and the conversation we had over the beautiful dinner table was even better. Wished how it might be even better only if I had more energy reserved for the actual dinner! I was quite ready to jump in to my bed by the time it ended and happy I could sleep in all day on Sunday! ^^

Back Home

Now back home in Vancouver, the whole world seems much serene and clean. No stentch of the city and constant zigzag crossing on the road. Arriving at 2am added this stark contradiction even more. No kids running around and screaming at all time; I feel home.

New York, New York!

The city is filled in all aspects. People are everywhere. It is rather shocking and pleasantly surprised to see faces in such a proximity. Such dynamic expression, different color, bold make-up, and such chic fashion created the wave of rainbow, the flood of bursting dynamics. The city is bursting out the energy everywhere I turn to.

No wonder I thought of salmons coming back to their nativity while observing those filling the city.

Uncle

A phone call pierced through the night and shook my mundane life this dawn. Jong, my favorite uncle of all fell from the rooptop and severely injured, so it said. He was then announced a near-death by his doctors. The family was summoned for this emergency.

It shocked me almost as much as I learned what happened to my baby sis years ago, but this time there is no turning back at all. Another call tore the night again and delivered a message of his passing. Silence... what is there left to say? Everything happened so quickly. He was injured on Sunday night and was gone by Monday evening. And we were all shook, stunned by this thunder lightening tragedy. Oh, how well was he loved, received by all? He was the rare one who already carried someone else's burden on his shoulder and still delivers smile to all, where as the others so occupied by their own pathetic chores. Why should he go first? Why the good ones are going first? It is rather cheesy, but I couldn't help but asking the question; why life has to be this unfair!

Oh, I will miss him so much! I will miss his chuckles that used to give me strength in difficult times; it had this magic power always boosting up my morale. But indeed, he had been carrying his own grave illness. Blinded by his energizing smiles and chuckles, we were terribly underestimate his condition. Oh, we will miss you, uncle. I am missing you so much and my heart is aching. Why should you go when there are still so many things uncompleted and waiting for your touch? Were you ready? What did you think when you knew you would leave for somewhere you would never return? Did you think of us? What would you want us to be? How would you want us to carry your legacy? How am I going to return what I've indebted to you? What do you want me to do? How about all the promises that you would visit me here? Uncle, I am hearing your chuckles, playful scoldings, and still feeling your warm hugs... Oh, how I return the blessings you poured on to me!

Suffocation

Feeling closphobic, I fear what if my life ends here. Moving tedious job to another in the past two years, I felt hard to face visitors from home. They asked what I am doing, and they chuckled. I chuckled back as I did not the answer. Yes, they had me realized that I've been in denial. Although, struggling all along and striving so hard, I can't comfortably say I've pursued what I was supposed and achived. Yes, I have a job, but I don't have a career. Yes, I have a place to mingle, but I don't feel belong.

Why should I always feel such ambiguity? I am tired. Lord, why don't you show me the way and lead me as you always did?

The Prof.

Met The Prof. over the supper and talked over all. My Christmas, his, my New Year, his, my family, his, my heath, his, my financial situation, his, life and death or should I say, dying. The food was good, and the conversation was charged, but like always, very intriguing. He has this cutting through eyes to penetrate things, I told him that reminds me of my dad (I told the same to my dad). Perhaps it is a gift one can only get from the stretched time of solitude where he/she can pour out one's whole energy into a subject of interest. In return, they have to pay for a price, the price of loneliness. It must've been hard to bear even for someone like him or my dad. I saw tears in his eyes. I never expected I would see that. Tears of a waling man who was once tall and proud were surreal. I was selfish. I held his hands and felt puzzled if this means I am no longer able to cry for advice or help from him anymore, and if this means it would be MY turn to lend my shoulders to the others. Then I began wondering if I ever am ready for such a role.

Feeling the emotionally charged shadow sitting down on his face, I thought of the end. Experiencing deaths in the proximity over the past couple of years, I become aware when it approachs. Perhaps because he kept mentioning it over the dinner?

I felt responsible. Resonsible for now carrying some of his worries instead of inviting him to mine, and responsible for providing guidance to him/the others instead of asking one from them. However, the same questions lingered; AM I READY?? And at the end of my days, how would I want to be remembered? What legacy would I want to leave? What kind of people would I want to be surrounded by at my death bed? How much of the property do I want to leave behind to whom? How do I want to claim my life was like in front of the God? Would I be able to say to him, "I followed you alright, I completed the tasks you've given to me, and I am content to leave me in your hands?"

I am too small yet.

Seoul, Seoul, Seoul~

It's been exactly a week since I returned to Vancouver from the two week's vacation in Seoul. Things were wonderful; couldn't hope for more. The dinners with family, relatives and friends who I haven't met too often in the past two years were happily taking their time to meet me at the airport and sit with me over a few dinners. I thank them wholeheartedly. I am truly blessed.

While I enjoyed my time with the beloveds, I noticed some changes in and out of the country. The passing of Kim Jeong-il was one of them, which triggered a lots of speculations for Korean experts about the future of peninsula and how it would weign in the set of international politics. I was, of course, very keenly interested and hoping this wouldn't bringing in too much confusion in the region. After all, that is the country where I was born and raised.

The streets in Seoul has been changed quite a bit. I couldn't believe I had to ask questions to passers-by while I strolled down the allies where I used to spend so much time growing up; felt very odd. After enjoying all those Kimchi bombarded comfort food, and companying of friends and family, I began missing things in Vancouver that I found a new discovery. I must've develop a new sense of home-ness here when I didn't even realize. Although I still miss my family and my pet in Seoul, I am happy to claim that I feel also quite comfortable and relieved to be home in Vancouver.

Good to be back to blogging as well. It's been almost two years since my previous writing!