To my dearest friend,

One of friends who I haven't seen for almost a decade, yet still very vividly amicable in my mind has been diagnosed as the last stage of an intestine cancer. Since past month, I've tried to contact him, which I found harder as time goes by, probably because of him taking more painkillers by the passage of time. I called him again last weekend, hoping to see him once for all, which he only resigned politely. In his voice, I felt no life. Near whispering voice was much too toned-down with obvious despair and pain, whereas mine exaggeratedly loud and pseudo-cheerful. For the first time, I felt him dying. A man in his early thirties, at a pinnacle of one's life, was fading away.

Perhaps, I pushed him too much. Felt somehow guilty to be well, while he has not been blessed with, I have wished to see him, perhaps even wanted to confirm how well and happy I am by seeing him suffering. Maybe, I was selfish to ask him too much to go and see him when he is at his worst state since we saw last time. Deep sorrow surged from the inside.

"It means a world to me."

How can such simple words embed such a profound feeling?

Lately, I've had troubles to read and comprehend updated news from papers or any other sources of media for some unknown reasons. Instead, I decided to go over some nonfictions that I purchased yet never had enough time to indulge myself into. "The Kite Runner," a book recommended by a friend with wondering mind, has been kind to me enough to provide a humble resort in my barren city life for last couple of days. There, newly immigrated Ali seeks comfort in Jahara, a girl he has longed for, at his father's near death bed. Prohibited from being seen together by their customary Afgan Sharia Law, how they found out the feelings for each other would be god-only-knows. After years of hide-and-seek type of pursuit for each other, finally Ali said to Jahara at his father's death bed that her presence next to him then means a whole world to him.

At the first glance, it may sound stereotypical. However, to me, the simple comment was overwhelming enough to make me bite my lips not to shed tears in the crazy communiting subway No. 2 this morning.

When did I feel so desperately longing for something? What did I desire then, if any? I know there still is burning fire within me, the thirty that can't be met easily any time soon, yet I also feel that the longings have been gradually faded away from hectic daily chores depsite all the struggles I've made.

By your side.

Ladies from the Financial Dept. of our hotel invited me over to their little Ddeok-bokki (Korean rice cake with red-peppered source) luncheon this afternoon. Being verterans working over a decade in the hotel, they were well aware of whatabout politics in/out of the hotel. One of top gossips for today was, without doubt, about the current GM leaving and its expected political turmoils afterwards. There are almost seven hundreds mouths and ears to gossip and listen to whatever you say near this work place, and certainly these four late thirty something ladies didn't find too difficult to seek their hideouts at the Ddeok-bokki place to gossip.

Now, everyone seems very aware of the currnet GM leaving and a new one replacing him early next month. What a lame duck he is. Mostly, not because of him simply leaving his office, but because of him not having been such a virtuous, respectful, and proven leader-typed manager who put so many of employees into deep frustrations as a result, most associates in the hotel seem not too sorry at all about his departure.

Personally, I have a mixed emotion on GM's leaving. I am glad to confirm my judgement on him as a supervisor and a leading personnel of this big organization, but at the same time, feel sorry to see this happening so early. Because this also may imply nobody in this hotel would be responsible much for their works and feel ownership to the hotel, which will inevitably weaken the fundamental structure of an organization. Who will be so sincere when they think they can only be in a position for less than a year or two?

Thanks to all the mess GM made, the company is now undergoing a severe restruction, laying off dozens of employees who have been working for this firm more than fifteen years. This means, lots of managerial staffs are leaving and there will be big vacancies in regular operations. Everyday, I realize an individual doesn't cost much, and he/she can be replaceable without exception, most of cases. It's sad. And I think about how would I be remembered at the end of the days. Most definitely, fondly over dreadfully and missed over regretted, I wish to be recalled.

One fine summer afternoon.